Keep Holding On
by kibaluver
Summary: A sick, weird and twisted story about a girl trying to make it through her life without thought of destruction. Going through this dramatic life, the only way out is shooting everyone in her life. BASED ON A TRUE STORY! You HAVE been warned.
1. Intro To My Life

_This is __**based**__ on a __**true**__ story. You have been warned._

"I'm in the business of misery; let's take it from the top." --Paramore

Welcome to my life bitches! Be prepared to wish you were never born. To all those who still read, well, that's because you are the ones who didn't have enough love in your child hood. And now you sit there, reading this, and nodding you head.

Who am I? Let's call me _**Armory**_. It is close to armor, something I don't have. I am not wishing to have it either. My age is long lasting; no one can judge how old I am. My appearance? Use your imagination. Family? Got a bunch of them. They love me to death…literally. Scientists, they couldn't fix me, and I'm so tired of getting out of bed. I am tired of life in general. Once in a while, I feel like I am blooming…till I look at myself in the mirror. Talk about ugly.

Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's looking for my own piece of mind; don't assign me yours.

I created myself to be on my own but I didn't expect to be **alone**. Did you create yourself to be on your own? These are the reasons things should be unknown.

I wanted freedom from the world. From my chained up life. A boy chained me up. This boy, oh, let's called him: _**Nikui**_. The Japanese word for _hateful_. That is what he is and that is what he shall be for the rest of his life. I don't want to be mean, but it is true. Now, I know what you're thinking: 'why the hell are you calling him that?' Well, I will tell you…

He broke my heart.

I lost my brain already. It **exploded**. Blood, mush and fat splattered all over the walls. The blood dried invisible.

I lost my heart already. He already has it...ripped it in half and hid the two pieces in two different places with no hints or whereabouts of where they are.

This is what he did to me. He **ripped** me in half and ruined my life. Ah…_unrequited love_ is such a bitch. How I hate it.

This, this boy is the start of it all. I shall not explain the details behind it but I have had a crush on him for a year and a half now. I kind of wish I didn't. I don't know why I like him so much. He has no friends. He is a jock. He isn't even cute or hot. He is a dick and a bastard.

Maybe…maybe it is because he acts just like my father.

Yes, maybe that is it.

Let me at least explain this: My parents got divorced when I was seven. I lost my father physically and lost my mother emotionally (and mentally). And this had changed me.

That is why; when I go out with someone, it can go **two ways**. I can like them so much, that I am afraid to let go of them so I will cling on to them and be very jealous of other people. Or, after a couple of days (or even that day), I break up with them, afraid of getting my heart _broken_.

To those who are still reading for kicks, first: Now I'm driven to be **ten times** better than you think you are. Piece by piece I've _built_ my walls. And burned the bridges down. That lead back to people _**like you**_. I can see that you are snorting saying things like: 'this is stupid, emo, bitch, mean.'

Let me say a couple of things to you:

1st – I don't label people. Bitch. Emo. Labels.

2nd – Why is bitch offensive to girls any way? You shouldn't get upset and mad at them since they called you a bitch, you thinking it means: mean. No, get mad since they called you a fucking female dog!

3rd – Yes, I am emotional. Emo is short for emotional and emo **is** a type of music. Another reason why it is weird to call people that. You are calling them music.

To those who still read since you feel my pain, kudos to you. Now, let's continue. Where were we by the way? Oh yeah, Nikui.

He hurt me and tortured me with his glares and silence. So I say thank you for the scars. And the guilt and the pain. Every tear I've _never_ cried. Has sealed your **fucking fate**. I would never cry for that boy. Cause when I am about to, I think he is looking at me through my window and I quickly covered my eyes and force the tears to go back. So that when someone makes me upset or if I don't do anything right, I explode. And I feel sorry for the people around me. They could get** crying** or **bitching**. Or maybe both.

You wanna know what the worst part of this is? I could never gain acceptance from him.

I _want_ to be his friend. I _want_ him to not see me as someone who I am not. I _want _him to accept me. I _want_ him to love me.

Want, want, want. God, I'm a bitch.

I have faced the fact that he would never even think of me, unless in the wrong way. The problem is **accepting** it. I want to live in this _fantasy_ world where we go out with each other. But then, thinking of this, leads to _**depression**_. Major depression.

My friends don't really care for me. Then why in hell's name did I just call them my friends? **I don't know**. But they get into fights a lot. I'm their therapist. God, a person like me. That should be exciting. No, but I care about three of them the most outta the 30 or 40 of them. Yep, I actually have a lot of friends. Surprised?

And to those who feel me, stand up. Ha, joking.

But, to tell you the truth: I am a teenage girl who is just trying to be accepted in the world. I just want **LOVE**, peace and respect. I want to follow my dreams...and have fun on the way. If you can break down my thick brick walls, you are very lucky. After that I will be your pal, best friend, or _lover_. And I swear to you on **everything I am**. And I dedicate to you all that I have. And I promise you that I will stand right by your side. Forever and always _until the day I die_.

I am insane.

Insecure.

Jealous.

Vicious.

Caring.

Loving.

Hateful.

Deadly.

Stupid.

This is me. Deal with it.


	2. Keep Dreaming Girl

"To _fall_ in **love** is quick but to forget about love takes a life time...**Its so illogical**." –Only The Ring Finger Knows

Dear **Pen Pal**,

What's up?? So, know you know about me. Aren't you _happy_? Tell me about yourself then.

Today, I didn't have school. It was a snow day. I was kinda happy. That night, I didn't **know** it was going to snow so I was _shocked_ in the morning. Well, let's just say I woke up at 8:23 AM in a _complete_ shock. I rushed up to go to my mother's room and I screamed:

"Mom, Mom! Why didn't you wake me up! Gah! I'm **SO** late for school. I can just hear Ms. Shinn now, she is gonna kick my _**butt**_!" I _ranted_ on like that for about two minutes. My mother, on the other hand, was still sleeping. She raised her head up to look at me and yawned.

"Why don't you look outside?" She told me groggily. I _paused_ at my ranting and stared at her.

"One moment please." I rushed back to my purple room and opened up my double window. The cold air **hit** me as I took a _sharp breath_. As I peered out my window, I noticed the ground was **completely** covered in snow. You couldn't even _see_ the road.

I slowly walked back to my mom room and sighed.

"Shut up." I mumbled.

That boy still **haunts** my dreams. I dreamt of him last night. But I don't _remember_ what it was about. Something about me and my friends were making a **stand** for something. Something wrong was _happening_ at the school. So we have been at the school day and night for a couple of days.

Nikui decides to come to the school at _nine at night_. To get something out of his locker. He notices me there:

"Why the **hell** are you guys here?" he asked as he **glared** at me. I felt hot as I adverted my eyes and looked down at my feet. I was sitting Indian style on _top_ of a table.

"We are here because…" I heard my friend _**Kelly **_try to say. I _knew_ she said more, I just don't _remember_. All I remember is looking back up and seeing Nikui smirk at me.

"I'm in." he told the group.

"What?" I heard some guy say, "The guy is **actually doing something** for once then sitting on his ass all day. Or _play basketball_." The guy laughed at the end and Nikui _frowned_ at him and I couldn't help but **smile**.

That is when he came up to me,

"What is there to do for fun here?" I **blushed** and stuttered.

"S-s-stuff." I knew that would be my _answer_.

"Nikui. Wanna play basketball?" I heard _**Laura**_ asked behind us. Nikui turned around and I thought I saw him smile warmly at her. That made me **envious** of her.

"Sure Laura." Those two walked off, leaving _me_ alone. Well, the rest of the group was _hanging around_ the commons. All I remember is that some were playing **cards** so I joined them.

I was tried. **IN MY OWN DREAM**! So, I went to sleep. It was pitch black for, I dunno how long. Then I _remember_ opening my eyes. I looked at the school clock. It was **past ten** so I guessed it was a _**Saturday or Sunday**_. I was in my navy blue sleeping bag. I noticed my friend Kelly sitting up in her pink sleeping bag writing in her **dairy**. I defiantly need one of those **damn** girly things.

I remember scooping the room to see everyone else still _sleeping_, not seeing Nikui. Okay, since he isn't here, not _everyone_ was sleeping. Laura was still here, so I felt **relaxed**.

I got up and Kelly, I think, noticed me. She _might_ have said something to me, but I don't **remember**. All I was thinking about was finding Nikui. I knew he was either in the _bathroom or the gym_. I didn't want to look in all the boy's bathrooms so I entered the **yellow and green gym**.

And there he was, he was **shooting** baskets. My body became** numb** and I blushed heavily. He didn't _notice_ me so I stood at the door, which was right in front of the basket he was shooting at, and waited till he **noticed me**. It seemed like an hour till he **glared** at me.

"What the hell do you **want**?" he asked _angrily_ at me. I looked away and smiled _slightly_.

"I'm the **watcher**." I lied, "I am _supposed_ to know where everyone is at all times." I looked up at him and he had a **'wtf'** look on his face.

"Alright, you know where the **fuck **I am, now _go away_."

"But I like watching you." God, did I say **that**? I didn't matter, I was dreaming. All I remember from this is that he _smirked_ at me.

Next thing I knew, we were both outside walking around.

"So…how long have you been here?" he asked me as he had his cell phone in his hand.

"One week, I think." I am pretty sure I _lied_ to him. The burning in my face was actually annoying me know. My legs felt like **Jell-O** and I _knew_ I would fall flat on my face any moment. But I wouldn't get _hurt_, **right**?

"Isn't Acme this way?" I turned around to look at him _pointing_ to the left as I was turning right. I noticed the **red** on my face build up.

"Y-yeah." I turned left. Stupid. Stupid.** Stupid**!

We walked as he talked on his phone.

"I wanna **talk** to you Armory." He said at random of not talking. I stopped dead in my tracks and shot around, to see **his face mere inches away**. I was actually _calming down_ till **THIS** happened.

"I-I'm l-l-listening…N-Nikui." I **whispered** and I _squeaked_ at the end. Nikui chuckled a bit and brushed his hand through my dark brown hair.

"Cute." I **blushed** even more, "Your hair now _matches_ you red face." He started laughing at me. I brought my cold hands to my cheeks and huffed. He then looked **serious** in a spilt second, "I have to **tell** you something. I—"

That is when I _woke_ up. So…my little pen pal, what do you think? **A stupid dream**, huh? Well, it might be.

Have you ever _been_ in **love** before? Ah…it's a fucking bitch. I hate it. Why am I in** love**?

Wait…I **don't** know what love is. And if I do, **I think it's stupid**. I don't want to be in this stupid thing called love. It **hurts** me. When ever I see him, my face burns and my chest hurts. It gets very** heavy**.

I just want him to notice me.

God, not to mention that I didn't do _anything_ in the snow today, all I did was **sleep**. I am worthless, aren't I? Pen pal, should I go to school **tomorrow**? I don't want to get up. I feel **depressed** just _thinking_ of that dickhead. Why doesn't he _notice_ by now that I am **MADLY** in love with him? He needs to **open** his eyes.

Is he **in** or **out**?

I dunno. But he needs to think. **Fast**.

Well, I should get back to _bed_. My eyes **hurt**. My heart does and my hands hurt from typing all day. Please _mail_ me **back** pen pal. You are the only person who I can **talk** to.

From,

Armory

_**(Seriously? Should I go to school and see him tomorrow?)**_


	3. Obsession

Dear Pen pal,

I had **everything** I wanted to say in my head:

'Yo, Nikui, I **hate** you but I have a damn good reason. You made _fun_ of me, you were _rude_ to me. I did nothing to you! Give me three good reasons and if you hat me just because I am alive, I feel sorry for your parents for raising someone like you.'

Then, the more I realized that he hated me till the end of his miserable life. This made me want to _cry_…

'Why? Why? I just wanted someone to **accept** me! You made fun of me, I sucked it in. I lived through it. When you _screamed_ at me to pick up your agenda, I did. Please…I don't want everyone to hate me. My mother doesn't even love me, that is why I don't talk to her. **She doesn't want to see my face**. I have no one I can trust. Is that why you hate me? I am hard to get through? I don't want anymore people to hate me. I just wanted us to be friends…'

Man, that's too bad. To think of a speech that I will never say. To anyone.

' "Okay, he looked at me," _**Mariane**_ began, "Then looked away angrily. I said: 'don't worry, I won't talk about her'. He turns to face me,_ smiles _and then says: 'cool, what do you want to talk about?'." '

I made her cry too.

_Obsession_ is such a pitiful thing. To obsess over a boy…more pitiful there.

' "You need to face the facts, you'll never get Ben!" '

I heart ACJR (his nickname) all over her notebook.

M ACJR all over her arm.

I **told** her the truth. And she cried. Ah…truth is such a **bitch**. It hurts the most. My little _crush_ on this other boy (not Nikui, since I was gonna try and forget him) was over when I saw him **wrap** his arms around another girl's waist.

_Right in front of me._

I lost two things that day; then two days later, I lost something else. I am so depressed. What should I do?

I just want to hold him. But he hates me. _What can I do_?

"It is better to be feared than loved." –Nicollvi Michivelli

Does that mean that it is better to be **hated** than **loved**?

My father and I had a 'talk' last night. He told me that everyone is ignorant and that everyone is dead to me.

' "**Those who are not your friends are dead in your world, remember that**." '

' "What some?" The girl asked me as she pointed to some pizza, the last piece.

"Yea." I whispered. The girl smirked at me.

"Well too bad, stupid." '

' "I will catch stupid." Another girl said as she moved her desk far away from mine. '

The more and more I am here, the more and more I wanted to kill myself. The whole world is now dead to me.

I can't trust anyone, I guess. Only about _four_ people I can trust, _seven_ people who I can talk to, _over 1,000_ people who should be **killed**.

I have two options:

1 – Kill _myself_.

2 – Bomb the _school._

I am really thinking of the first one. I hate it that **I hate pain**. I want to _cut _myself. On, please, someone kill me. Spilt me n half. Slice my stomach. Pull out my organs. Scratch my eyes out. Do something! **PLEASE**! _Sorry,_ I should stop now. I…I just don't know what to do anymore with my life. Help me.

Maybe going to school was a big mistake. I could have just played sick. God. I don't like school at all. Don't ya feel me?

Well, I guess I should go to bed now. I am tired again.

Please write** back** pen pal, I don't even know your _name_.

From,

Armory

_**(Can't bring peace without the blood…)**_


End file.
